Airlines to replace seatbelts with shackles

Close on the heels of announcing that 'no mobile' signs will replace the outdated 'no smoking' signs, major airlines today announced that seat belts is on the way out in favor of leg irons and handcuffs.

Northwest Airlines will be the first to introduce the changes. Spokesperson for the Northwest said that the changes were being implemented after a recent incident involving some passengers showing "behaviour of concern".

Handcuffs and leg irons will be retrofitted to old aircraft and fitted to new Boeing planes coming off the production lines, which will be used by the airlines to provide in-flight "self-security" service to the passengers.

Use of seat belts have now become outdated in US since almost every American, owing to obesity, fits snugly in small seats of the plane.

"At anytime during the flight, passengers can shackle people they feel uncomfortable about, like Arab speaking passengers. We like to go back to the basics of western culture, that is, the white supremacy promoted by KKK. If a white man does not like the dark skinned traveller in seat K12, he can, with the help of the air marshals, tag the person as a terrorist and shackle them to the seats", a spokesperson for Northwest told the reporters.

However, not all airlines are planning to introduce the new service. Spokesman for Monarch Airlines, the leader in "self security service" told reporters that the company will not use the new method. "We will rely on the time tested method, we will offload any passenger that the white man does not like on the plane". Asked if the old method would lead to lower sales because unlike shackles, booting passengers can only be done on ground, the spokesman said that "We are not restricted to booting on ground, if a passenger so demands it, we can boot Arabs in mid-air". Monarch airlines also has a widely poplular Control your plane service in addition to the arab-boot service.

Shackles are only available on Boeing aircraft, but Airbus is expected to follow suit following a recent trend in scare-mongering by British government agencies.

Read more...

With compliments of "the enemy"

Polled Pakis say Manmohan is better.
Yeah, because "equal rights" he will batter,
playing politics of caste,
raking up injustices of past,
proving that this Surd, has no gray matter.

Read more...

Humans banned into passenger cabins

The British and US governments today revised a ban on carrying hand baggage, and liquid items on board, by adding 'Humans' to the list of items that can't be carried on board.

Announcing the government advisory, issued jointly by the two governments, spokesman for DHS announced that after a careful review of all terror plots, its been determined that almost every terror plot involved one active ingredient, "Humans". "Therefore, we are banning all humans from being carried on board the flight".

The advisory however stated that prescription human beings and infants will be allowed but only after a passenger accompanying them tastes them before boarding.

The latest advisory resulted in long lines of frustrated passengers at the check in counters. Airport officials were seen explaining the new advisory, and confiscating humans to dump them into overflowing garbage bins. The airport officials said that unlike confiscated nail clippers and pocket knives that were auctioned off, humans will be incinerated for safety and hygienic reasons.

Airline companies announced that they are working on a screening technique that will allow for humans to be transported in the luggage hold. However for the safety of the passengers, all humans will be tightly taped with security tape to prevent tampering and identify pre-screened humans.

Read more...

BP wins innovator of the year award

BP was presented the coveted "Best Innovation in OIL price gouging" award for inventing a new way to jack oil prices in the global market. BP recently announced that it was shutting down oil pipelines after it found major corrosion in a stretch of the pipeline.

Speaking at the glittering award ceremony, US Vice President, Dick Cheney, said that the private companies should do more, and rely less on the government in jacking up gas prices. Cheney said, "There are only so many wars that a Government can fight. We have milked Iran's 'alleged' nuclear program to give a major boost to the gas prices, we have made sure the rebels in African nations maintain a constant upward trend in the gas prices, but at some point, the private sector should pitch in".

OPEC Chairman praised BP for its innovation, in his address during the ceremony the chairman said, "Oil will help in fostering the world peace. It is laudable that a company managed by infidels helps Islamic nations reap profits from the hiked prices of Oil".

The other contenders for the award was the British Government that tacitly issued a terror advisory indicating more terrorist attacks using shiny flying machines. However it did not win the coveted award on two accounts. Firstly it failed to push up the gas prices to any significant amount. And, secondly because government agencies on the payroll of the OPEC are barred from participating.

Read more...

World LifeExchange Market Opens.

Much awaited Life Exchange Market opened its doors today for a brisk early morning trade. Inaugurating the exchange, President Bush said that the world should invest heavily into unsuccessful and unpopular wars to maintain a healthy life termination ratio.

The first day of trading was boosted by a pre-dawn massacre in Lebanon by the Israeli Defense Forces, setting the Israeli to Lebanese life exchange at 10.96 Lebanese lives for every Israeli life. The exchange rates are based on established body counts reported in the Media.

The American vs Iraqi lives rates opened unchanged at 1 Yankee to 17.11 Iraqis. However the unofficial black market rates are pegged at 1 Yankee for every 38.72 Iraqis. While there is no official index for Yankee life vs Afghani life, over the counter issues were selling at 1Yankee for more than 150 Afghanis.

Britain did not list itself in the exchange because it trades in future options. Britain had already killed a lot of Iraqis and Afghanis before any of the British lives were exchanged.

India did not list itself either. Many self styled policy experts (read: bloggers) have suggested that India starts a LifeEx index vis-a-vis Pakistan. The Indian Government however - by virtue of its invertebrate evolution, rather than good sense - has been holding off from issuing a public offering in the LifeEx market. Spokesperson for the government said "Come on, with over a billion people - many of whom are illiterate and/or idiots, we do not have to show that we care for the people by securing our borders. Few false promises and a sachet of country liquor will garner us the votes required . If that fails, caste and religious politics are always at hand".

As in the real world, United Nations has no value in the LifeEx market. Even though Israelis have deliberately killed 4 UN staffers, UN has not even bothered to pull Israel for its transgressions.

Read more...

Minister's policy leads to effiencies in Government agencies

Lawmakers and law enforcement agencies of India today adopted Subodh Kanth Sahay's policy to deal with matters concerning public interest and safety.

The new policy, now being patented by the Indian Food Processing Industries minister, Subodh Kanth Sahay, involves turning a blind eye towards imminent public health hazards till someone files an official complaint. This new inventionpolicy was first demonstrated when Indian NGO, Center for Science and Environment released a report showing elevated levels of pesticides in popular soft drinks. Reacting to the report, Subodh Kanth Sahay, showing the maturity of a seasoned politician said the government will look into the issue when an official complaint is filed.

The announcement was immediately met with derision of the Minister - the announcement of patenting the policy, that is. Several law makers claimed prior art in the policy adopted by the Minster. Spokesman for the Opposition party said, "We have been using similar policy for many many years, while we may not have been so concise in our language, the policy has existed". Mr. Sahay however thinks that his policy is patentable because it is sufficiently different from prior art.

Close on the heels of the minister's policy, the Maharastra Police Department, CID, and CBI jointly announced the termination of investigation into the recent bomb blasts because no one had actually lodged an official complaint in regards to the matter.

Police Commissioner for Karnataka, Neelam Achuta Rao, said that adopting the new policy had helped his department to reduce workload of his homicide detectives. A review of all of open murder cases showed that none of the murder victims had lodged a complaint - official or otherwise, and hence the decision was made to close those cases. In fact, the policy has worked so well that many policemen could lose their jobs because many of the crimes do not lead to an official complaint.

Elsewhere, the Army Central Command, today announced the disbanding of its facilities because no one had really complained for the need to protect Indian borders. The Navy and the Air Force are expected to announce similar measures shortly.

Savings from the reduced defense budget can be used to build better hospitals and public infrastructure. Financial experts, however claim that since no one had officially complained for the need to have a better health care system and a robust infrastructure, it is unlikely that the government will spend money on such ventures.

Read more...