India to abolish courts and judicial system.

Giving into the calls of various NGOs and self styled activists, the Congress government today announced that the court system will be abolished with immediate effect. ".. henceforth all judicial matters will be decided by the print and visual media as suited by the popularity ratings of the case" the official gazette announced.

The move comes on the heels of media outlets ordaining that Afzal Guru was innocent of all charges brought against him. Afzal Guru was previously convicted of collaborating with the terrorists who attacked Indian Parliament in December of 2001. The conviction was upheld by the Supreme Court, however the media outlets called the entire process a 'hogwash' and a 'stain on Indian Judiciary'.

In deciding their first case, media used the arguments made by lawyer turned new columnist Nandita Haksar to to acquit Afzal. Haksar has argued, "Afzal's son wants to be a doctor, but if the convicts sentence is not commuted, he will join the terrorist organization". Detractors said that this was a veiled threat, and suggested the complicity of the family - but the media suppressed and struck from the records any such argument.

Coming down heavily on the right wingers who are calling for justice to be done, the media-officials-turned-judges noted that the death sentence was "stigma on Indian democracy". Writing for the majority, the lead judge wrote "While many sons lost their fathers, and many fathers lost their sons during the Parliament attack, none of them make a good story for the media. All of them want to become a lawyer or a engineer or a banker. Give me a break, those stories don't sell, because Afzal's son dreams of becoming a doctor, justice can not, I repeat, can not be served by executing Afzal. The loss suffered by other families does not even come close"

The media outlets said that while the first case was heard without much infrastructure in place, further cases will be heard in such new television series as "Sau Khoon Maaf", "Mar s*le badsoorat admi".

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Political parties likely to offer booth capturing to NRIs

Non-residents-Indians (NRIs) may soon be able to see their vote being captured during the future elections in the country.

Voting Relations Officers of major political parties said that their party are likely to amend their goondagiri (not to be confused with Gandhigiri) principles to allow for booth capturing of NRI vote banks.

Speaking at the Pravasi Bharatiya Divas 2006, the voter relation officer for Congress party, Mr. Sham Shukla said, " We are totally committed to providing a complete voting experience to the NRIs. The bill takes into consideration various regional nuances. For example, our party cadres will offer country made liquor in plastic pouches to the illiterate NRI voter in the gulf region in exchange for their votes. Whereas, we will outrightly bully the more literate voters in other regions. We will fly in booth capturing experts from Bihar for the election day"

Mr. Arun Swami, a London based NRI complained that the measures does not go far enough to produce a complete experience for the enfranchised NRIs. "Without a few religious riots thrown in during the election days, the experience will not be complete".

Reacting to the complaint, Shukla said the demand for such environment had a "convincing political basis" and had assured the NRIs that his party would take appropriate measures in this regard. "We are here to make sure that Indians are screwed of their rights no matter where they are in the world".

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