World leaders share India's concern, plan against Terrorism

St Petersburg: India's attempt to mobilize international opinion against terrorism got a major boost here on Monday when G8 nations pledged support for Indian government plan of "paying a lip service" against terrorism.

Expressing outrage over what they termed as "barbaric terrorist acts", the leaders said "we are determined to continue to provide lip service against terrorism. We express our readiness to provide lip service and press statements denouncing terrorist activities anywhere in the world".

India has been plagued by separatist militancy for several decades. While India has been paying copious amounts of lip-service to rid itself of the terrorist activities, the rest of the world has largely ignored the situation until now, when paying lip serive against terrorism came into vogue.

India got a further shot in the arm when US President, George W Bush, repeated his patented war cry "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists"®™. However, the "shot in the arm" phrase was later termed as a terrorist activity and immediately condemned by the assembled leaders.

Talking to reporters, foreign secretary Shyam Sharan described the stand as a "major diplomatic gain". "While we continue our *cough* fight *cough* against terrorists, this unequivocal press statement is an important gain," he said.

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Superman Returns, feels overworked

Returning to work on Earth after almost 20 years, Superman complained that his workload is killing him. "I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since I clocked in to work this past month", Superman said in a brief message to the United Press International.

Superman was on a leave of absence trying to find out more about his roots, before deciding to move back to planet Earth. Before joining the workforce earlier last month, Superman said to the press reporters that he was very enthusiastic about getting back to work.

Renowned psychologist, Dr. Patricia Brown, said that returning to work after a vacation can be very stressful. "Superman needs to prioritize his work, and take one day at a time". Dr Brown said that people usually think that they have to work late hours to catch up on work they missed during their vacation period.

Superman's job is hard even without having to play catch up with all the evil people and the wars they wrought during his absence. Recent events in the middle east has forced Superman to work overtime trying to evacuating US and British nationals from Lebanon.

To make matters worse, Superman has new enemies to deal with. Hamas and Hezbollah today issued a joint press statement where they lambasted Superman for saving only the infidels. "Superman chose not to save our Islamic brothers from the Zionist army, and for that we have issued a fatwa against Superman".

This fatwa comes in addition to problems Superman is facing on the Capitol Hill. GOP members are demanding that Superman be disallowed from working in America because of rumours that he might be gay. Democrats counter that saying Superman be allowed to work in USA because he is doing a job that Americans don't want.

Doctors at Good Samaritan Hospital have prescribed Ambien to Superman, but are unsure if Superman has medical insurance to cover the cost of his prescription drugs. Superman insists he does, "I flew into Canada to buy cheap prescription drugs", but said that he continues to work in his sleep despite using Ambien.

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Free gas causes Israel to bomb Beirut airport

Israeli defense forces has been attacking its neighbouring countries in excitement over a gasoline giveaway this week.

For the most part, IDF has been attacking the weak countries of Palestine and Lebanon that had waited patiently for hours for about $30 worth of free gasoline each that Allstate Insurance provided at one station.

Israel claims that its people had started lining up at the border before midnight, but the Hezbollah cut across the line and kickedKilled 3 of it soldiers, and shovedkidnapped another 2 in a portable toilet.

The violence further escalated when Israeli Mafia ordered a "severe and harsh" response, following which the Israeli gang members went on a drive by shooting, blowing up bridges and airports.

Police spokesperson said that there is little that the police force could do to bring the situation under control, partly because their fixation on countries with dud missiles, and mostly because when questioned about their behaviour, the gang members always play the movie Schindler's List, and claim that anybody who questions their actions will have to answer to their mob boss.

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Life back to normal after Mumbai blasts

[
My condolences to all those families who lost someone due to the terrorist attacks.
]

Life in the western Indian city of Mumbai, formerly known as Bombay, limped back to normalcy after a deadly bombing attack on its local transit system. Schools and offices remained open to show India's resolve against terrorism.

The Maharashtra politicians led the way in showing the country that they will not be cowed into submission by such acts of terrorism. The local news bureau reports that there was an uproar in the assembly and it was adjourned. The news bureau quoted an unnamed assembly man as saying "If we work in a civilized manner in the assembly and try to find a way to strengthen our defenses against future terrorist attacks, then the terrorists have already won".

Shiv Sena, the main opposition party, was contemplating on calling for a bandh to protest against the desecration of a statue of its departed party member. By heaping on difficulties on the common man, we will show that terrorist activities will not change our way of life. Closure of medical shops due to a bandh immediately after bomb blasts will show the terrorists that their actions does not influence our thoughts.

Many of the analysts are however quick to note that the leadership shown by the Indian Home Minister, Shivraj Patil, was probably the most influential in helping Mumbaikars getting their life back to normal. Immediately after the bomb blast, the dimwit minister was quoted as saying "We had information that some attacks were about the happen, but we did not have the date and time", therefore we went around our lives as if nothing is going to happen. The Minster lamented that the terrorists were not playing fair, "they (terrorists) didn't have the courtesy of notifying the authorities about their plans, while we inform everyone of our missile tests - even if they are dud missiles", The minister concluded "I am going to complain to my teacher".

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New homes for Katrina Victims

Victims of Katrina who are yet to find a home can cheer to some good news. President Bush today unveiled a new housing scheme dubbed the clip housing, and encouraged everyone to avail the scheme.

The scheme involves giving every victim a paper clip, the common variety found in every office supplies store. The victims have to barter the paper clip for something and that thing for something else, and repeat the process till they end up with a house.

FEMA Director, Paulison, said that the scheme, originally proposed by his predecessor, Robert Brown, was being test run since last one year to measure the success and viability of the proposal. "I am happy to say that the test subject has successfully managed to obtain a house starting with nothing but a paper clip".

Kyle MacDonald, who traded up his red paper clip for a house could not be reached for comment because his house is in a different country.

President Bush said that FEMA has already been sending truck-loads of paper clips to the refugee camps so that the victims of Katrina can start rebuilding their homes and their life.

An independent audit, however reported that many of the victims have been misusing the government handout and trading up their paper clips for adult videos, lap dances, vacations and other non-essential goods.

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US seeks "Made in China" tag against North Korea

US today asked China to take over production of "pressure", that could be delivered to the North Koreans against missile testing. A top diplomat said that Chinese manufactured 'pressure' is more likely to succeed in the market than the locally produced American pressure products.

Of late, US market position in the global arena has been sliding owing to brand erosion, mostly due to poor quality marketing and product delivery of Iraq War. To make matters worse, US has refused to issue a recall of the Iraq War.

More problems were in store for the US when South Korea asserted that wrong type of pressure was being delivered to the North Koreans. South Koreans believe that the Diplo-mx type product is required, whereas the US is keen on marketing the more pricier UN-sanctx type.

China, however, is in no mood to produce or manufacture these products for North Korea because it does not believe that there is a viable market. US, in contrast, is keen to see the "Made in China" sticker that it sees in almost every product that the US consumes, with the exception of war-mongering product lines.

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World Cup over, NASA OKs Shuttle return

Space shuttle Discovery's astronauts got some happy news on Sunday: World Cup is over, so it is safe to fly home.

Mission Control informed the crew of six that the World Cup is over, so all the television monitors, that were tuned in for finals, can now be used for mission critical work, such as monitoring the shuttle progress.

"Boy, that is great news, that's fantastic," shuttle commander Steve Lindsey said.

"Everyone here around the room, as you can imagine, is most happy...", Mission Control replied, "... with the World Cup results".

Only one heat sheild issue had remained going into the late afternoon mission, a 2-inch-long piece of fabric filler sticking out about an inch from the thermal tiles on Discovery's belly.

Engineers determined, after a lunch of pizzas to honor Italian win, that it wasn't necessary to have an astronaut pluck the strip as the issue had self resolved. Chief Scientist of NASA cited the classic butterfly effect for the resolution. "When Zidane head-butted Materazzi, the chaos theory in effect fixed the shuttle problems".

NASA is extermely worried that issues with shuttle reentry will trigger a jumbo sales event on Ebay, something they dont wish to repeat.

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Europe to outsource population growth

Citing recent trends in population decline, Europe today announced that it is developing a comprehensive plan to outsource population enhancement work to China and India. The report said that women are no longer willing to have children and thus the job of population enhancement needs to be shipped overseas.

The opposition however blamed the government for not giving enough incentives for local population expansion experts to do their jobs. The opposition was also critical of the process, saying that outsourced population expansion will not have the same quality as indigenously produced population.

Infosys and Wipro welcomed the announcement saying that they will train the workforce to produce the same quality of population that the customer nation needs. Both the compaines went on to upgrade their yearly revenue estimates. The NSE and BSE rose 5% on the news, while the Euronext index fell 10 points.

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Still on life support...

This blog is still brain dead. Hopefully it will get a new life soon.

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