God settles lawsuit

Attorneys for God, on Friday said that He has agreed to settle a class-action lawsuit brought against Him by a group of Kansas residents for an undisclosed amount.

Earlier this month Kansas residents came to know that they had not evolved from monkeys, as was previously thought, but instead were created as part of intelligent design. Residents were furious that God did not disclose such material fact, and failed to recall various Human models which were not manufactured to the exacting standards as required by the Federal Human Administration.

One of the plaintiffs, Kay McFarland, said that he suffered mental anguish and public ridicule because of his obese body. "God discriminated against me, how can he manufacture a body like that of Brad Pitt while design me like this?". Another plaintiff, Carol Beier, concurred "Look at Britney, and look at me, ugh!"

Under the settlement agreement, God will not admit to any wrongdoing and neither Him nor the plaintiffs are allowed to disclose the deal with the media or any person not related with the lawsuit. However, source close to the deal, on the condition of anonymity, told the associated press that God would make the plaintiffs win lotteries or some rich people, without a heir, will inexplicably will their fortunes to the group.

Attorneys for God have filed a motion in the Kansas supreme court to reverse the school board's decision to include intelligent design in the schools syllabus, which resulted in the slew of lawsuits, however Judge Calito rejected the plea noting "Everybody should be accountable for their actions, reversal of the school board's decision will not hide the unconscionable actions of God". Attorneys for God have also filed for Bankruptcy protection as a precaution against further lawsuits, the hearing for that petition is set for later this month.

When contacted by this reporter for a quote for the story, publicist for God said that God wishes to put this distraction of a lawsuit behind Him and concentrate on the daily functioning of the Universe.